


Don't leave me behind

by Pinkwebby



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), Coma, Custom Shepard (Mass Effect), Everything is literally in Kaidan's view, F/M, From Mass Effect 1 to ME3, Implied Sexual Content, Nightmares, POV Kaidan Alenko, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 22:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16543856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinkwebby/pseuds/Pinkwebby
Summary: Kaidan's perspective throughout the Mass Effect trilogy and the aftermath of ME3





	Don't leave me behind

**Author's Note:**

> Idk why I wanted to write this, but it came out a lot bigger than I expected. I hope I did Kaidan justice because I this is only the second time I've written for him. And I also hope it isn't too OOC, please let me know if it is. I tried to do as much research as possible to capture him just right.
> 
> Sorry if there's any mistakes, I'm not reading this again. lol

### 

Chapter One:

I don’t want to say I fell in love with her at first sight, that’s kind of cheesy. But when I first boarded the Normandy, she was probably the first face I saw. Sure, Anderson was there, he was the one who introduced her to me. But as my eyes slowly took in her form, and made it up to her face, it took my breath away. 

“Kaidan, meet Commander Penelope Shepard. She is my second in command on the ship. You’ll probably be working a lot with her, so try to get along,” Anderson had said to me, rubbing both mine and the woman’s shoulder.

Shepard’s lips, coated in black lipstick, turned up into a smile. I could see the laugh-lines, her icy blue eyes crinkling.

“Nice to meet you Lt. Alenko. I hope we can work well together,” She put out her hand to shake. Startled, it took me a moment to return the handshake. Her hand was a bit smaller than mine, and surprisingly soft.

“Yes, m-me too. Call me Kaidan, by the way,” I quickly replied, moving my hand away to shove in my pocket.

So many things happened since that day, I could remember them like watching an old home movie. We didn’t work together much before she became a spectre, only occasionally seeing one another on the ship. She seemed to like to be alone, quiet but friendly. She was a good second-in-command. She was an even better first-in-command. She knew risks, and when she could take them. She was precise, and she had a soft-spot for a lot of things. She was a bright spot in my life.

The first mission I went on with her, she saved me from the Prothean beacon. Back then, it seemed so noble, and I felt so much guilt. She could’ve died, we had no idea what that thing could do. She was passed out for three days, and I could do nothing but come visit and regret. But of course, once she was awake, she was having none of it.

I was immediately scolded, but in the caring, warm way. 

“Kaidan, please. This is not your fault. I don’t want you blaming yourself,” Shepard was leaning against the wall, her short, curly, red locks sticking out in some places on her head. I suppressed the urge to gently smooth them down.

“Yes ma’am, I just….if you hadn’t pushed me out of the way-“

“Who knows what could have happened. I saw you in dangerous position, and my feet just moved on their own. That is no fault of your own,” She placed her hand down flat on the table in front of me, staring me in the eyes.

I fell silent at that, staring into her determined eyes. I couldn’t help but nod, and after she left, I sat there stunned. Because I knew that I was falling in love already.

We went through so much, she saved my life on Virmire. She sacrificed Ashley’s life for mine. Something that will always eat at the back of my mind, and I’m sure it did Shepard too. Maybe even more than me. Sometimes, I have nightmares about it. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I hate to think about it even now.

I know how much of a toll it took on Shepard, I remember finding her in the cargo bay. No one could find her, and Joker elected me to search the lower deck. She was sitting against some boxed cargo, her knees to her chest. She was red in the face, her eyes facing the ceiling. I stopped short when I took her in, deciding whether to bother her.

“Shepard,” I called out softly, approaching carefully.

She immediately used her long sleeve to dab at her eyes, clearing her throat. “Kaidan…hi. I didn’t think anyone would find me down here.”

“Joker probably knows you too well,” I responded weakly, staring down at her crumpled form. After a couple moments of silence, I timidly spoke up again.

“This might be out of line, ma’am, but you know you can speak to people if you feel like this. I know a lot of us want to help.”

“It isn’t out of line, it’s quite welcomed honestly,” Through her drying tears, she smiled up at me, “And I hope by ‘people’, you mean you.”

“If that isn’t too bold,” I stated, letting out a slightly flustered smile.

“Never.”

Shepard was powerful, but graceful. She had a quick tongue, but a big heart. She liked cats and dogs both, and she used to play video games when she was kid on Mindoir. She wasn’t competitive, but she could be very prideful. She was self-conscious of her nose but was confident in how to shoot an assault rifle. She liked to keep her hair super short, not liking the curls in her face. I learned so many things about her by just being close to her. Close, but not close enough to touch, to kiss. It wasn’t until that night before Ilos that it dawned on me fully. That she did love me, that she wanted to be by my side. Funny, that I think about that now.

I try not to think about what happens next, the bad part in my life, in hers. I watched her get ripped from my grasp, and I wonder if I had done things different before that. If I had just stayed with her, stopped her from being so reckless. Shepard used to say if I would have stayed, I would be dead. 

How do you come back from that? Watching someone you admired, someone you loved, slip from you fingers? It took such a toll on me, I couldn’t stand living. I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. All I could think about was how soft her hair was, how beautiful her eyes were when they stared at me. When my friends offered to take me out to drink, I could barely stomach it. But I put on a brave face for it, just wanting things to be normal for once. I had nightmares, more frequently. More migraines than usual, I could barely get out of bed.

So, of course, Anderson sent me out to Horizon. He wanted to me investigate Collector attacks, but I knew why he sent me. He was hearing the whispers too. That Shepard was alive, that she was working with Cerberus. There was a doctor there, the only person who could tolerate me being there. She was so kind, now that I think about it, she reminded me of Shepard. I enjoyed her company, and it wracked me with guilt. I didn’t want to feel this way, but I knew I should have moved on long ago. The doctor was kidnapped during the collector attack, and that’s just another thing to haunt me.

And as if the Heavens themselves answered, Shepard was alive. She was there, after the Collectors attacked. I felt like puking and crying all at the same time. She was actually alive, she was here in the flesh. My love, my beautiful Penelope. But as I embraced her, realization kicked in. If she had been alive for these whole two years, did what I went through mean nothing? Anger boiled in my throat. And Cerberus, she was working for them…

I turned away from her, I told her I wouldn’t come back to her. I wanted to stay strong, but as I left, I looked back at her form. My whole world was flipped upside down, I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I wanted to help her so much, I ached whenever I thought about it. But I also knew Cerberus wasn’t good. And I knew Shepard, my Shepard, would never work for them without good reason. There had to be a good reason, right?

I let her go through all that, alone. She had to rely on her new friends, on Garrus. I had trust in her, but it was wavering. I was scared, of what happened to her. Was it really Shepard, or something Cerberus made? These doubts ate at me, until the reapers attacked Earth in full force. I hadn’t been able to see Shepard much after her suicide mission to defeat the Collectors. She was barred from any contact with people, kept under lock and key for a while. 

Going to Mars with her….it just shook me all up. I wanted to believe Shepard was still herself, but I was so wrapped up in my own doubts. When I look back, I knew I was a total ass about the whole thing. Another thing to regret, I suppose.

And Shepard, she saved my life once again. I couldn’t remember the aftermath of Mars, everything from that mission was a bit fuzzy. I just remembered waking up in the hospital, my whole body hurt like hell. A migraine pounded in my head. Shepard came to visit me often, once she even brought me a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t want to be left with all my guilt and doubt anymore, so when I could sit up and speak with her, I laid everything out. I was still unsure if she had feelings for me, so I didn’t mention that. But I didn’t want to feel hostile towards her anymore. She was the woman I loved.

“Just promise me you’ll come back to the Normandy, I don’t think the ship can survive without you,” Shepard told me, her blue eyes betraying her feelings immediately.

I opened and closed my mouth, “Shepard…I just…I can try. I don’t make any promises though.”

She let out a strained smile, those laugh lines I came to love didn’t match that smile. “I know, you’re going to be a spectre now. Important, I guess. But there’s always a spot open for you, Kaidan. I hope you know that,” She placed her hand over mine, it was warm, and it definitely was more calloused. More time using guns can do that.

“I know,” I looked down at her hand, before back up at her face. So many words weren’t spoken, so many things I wanted to say right then. I could see it in her face even then. She did love me, she wasn’t hiding it. Her eyes said everything, but I just let her go. The warmth of her hand stayed on mine for what seemed like an eternity.

I was so preoccupied with the council and being announced as a spectre, I hardly had time to think about Shepard. She was off saving the world, making peace between races. When the Citadel was attacked, my priority was the council members. I protected them fiercely, killing any Cerberus member that got in our way. I thought we were done for when we were stuck on a landing pad with no car to escape too. But it wasn’t Cerberus chasing us like I thought. It was Shepard. I was dumbfounded, she was telling us that Udina was working with Cerberus. I knew Udina wasn’t the best man, but how could he do that? I wanted to trust the council, but Shepard knew where my heart belonged, as did I. I killed Udina with my own hands, and I have no regrets about that, to this day.

Seeing Shepard in action again, I couldn’t resist my temptation anymore. I wanted to be near her again, to smell her shampoo again and touch her soft skin. I took up her offer, and seeing that bright smile on her face again, it was very much worth it. After I got back into the swing of things, I began to itch to speak to Penelope more and more. I wanted it to be like the old days, I wanted to kiss her lips again, to have her black lipstick smear all over my mouth and down my neck. For the crew to see and laugh at me for my new sense in make-up. I didn’t want to leave her side ever again.

So, of course, I confessed to her again. At least this time it was a bit more romantic, we were in a restaurant this time. She was curious why I wanted to take her to eat on the Citadel, I, of course, made it seem like I wanted to eat the steak there.  
“A sanity check? Yeah, I suppose occasionally, those are good,” Shepard said once she sat down. She was wearing that N7 jacket, and it looked so good on her. 

“On Mars…I was terrified. You know, I can’t even remember what really happened at the end there. I just know there was a lot of pain. But it made me realize that I haven’t gotten to spend much time with the people I care about,” I said, gauging for her reaction.

Shepard’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second, before she looked down. “Yes, I can understand that. I feel that way a lot too.”

I leaned forward, taking her hand in mine. “I love you Shepard. I know there’s a war on, and I know in the past…I haven’t always trusted you. But I do trust you now, and I want to give myself to you. I want to understand what this is between us…and make it real,” I squeezed her smaller hand, staring into her eyes.

Now, I’d seen Shepard look many ways. I’ve seen her face during a gunfight, her face twisted up in anger and determination. I’ve seen her crying, seen her in pain, seen her beautiful smile. I’ve seen her face during sex, how beautiful she was. But the face she made when I spoke, I knew everything up until now was worth it. All the agony, all the regret, everything. She was crying, but her smile was radiant. Her hand turned over and squeezed mine back. I gently led the hand to my face.

“I can’t…bury what I feel for you anymore. I never wanted too, but you seemed…unsure. I’m so glad you’ve come back to me though. I love you so much,” She cupped my cheek, and I leaned into her touch.

“And that makes me so happy, Penelope,” I kissed her calloused palm, before grinning up at her, “And there are perks to that happiness.”

She let out a cheeky grin and bumped knees with me, wiping at her tears and laughing. “Don’t tempt me Alenko. Though that steak you mentioned sounds pretty good right now…”

The war put a lot of stress on all of us. Such a burden shouldn’t be on one person, but Shepard bared it all by herself. She did what she could, being a great leader. She brought peace to many races in a short amount of time and it impressed even the council. But I knew from the start she could do it, she was a fierce woman. I was there when she broke down, it was in the middle of the night. She had a nightmare, I could tell because she was thrashing around. When she startled awake, I sat up quickly. She had curled into a ball, sweat beading on her forehead and making her curls stick to her skin. I leaned over her, gently smoothing her hair back and placing a small kiss on her forehead.

“Talk to me, Shepard. You know you can talk to me, baby,” I whispered, rubbing her bare back.

When she wasn’t trembling anymore, she sat up and faced me. I immediately wrapped her in an embrace, brushing my fingers through her hair. 

“I’m so scared, Kaidan. So many lives lost, so many more depending on my actions. What if the Crucible doesn’t work like we think it will? The reapers will destroy us all. I can’t….I won’t-“

“Hey hey, listen to me. You are doing the best you can, you fill everyone with hope when there is no hope to be found. This is going to work, we will get rid of the reapers once and for all. I know you can do this,” I pressed my face against the top of her head, taking in a long breath through my nose. Her hair smelled like my shampoo, she was probably using it again.

She buried her face in my chest, locking her arms around my waist. After a few moments, I lifted her chin with my fingers, peppering her face with kisses. “We’re going to be alright, Shepard. We will get through this, together. I’m still here for you, always. I love you.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you Kaidan. I love you too,” She whispered, slumping in my grip with a long yawn.

“Let’s go back to sleep. I’ll stay awake until you dose off, I promise,” I replied, lowering our tangled bodies back into bed. I pulled the covers over us and snuggled into her.

Finally, the final battle had approached. I was terrified, and it wasn’t all for the war. It was for Penelope too. I loved her so much, and this war was really taking a toll on her. She had more frequent nightmares, and sometimes I couldn’t soothe her out of it. She would just get out of bed instead and begin to work to get her mind off it. Which meant she was getting less sleep than she should.

The night before, I came into the room. I had brought whiskey, the rest of the bottle I had from when she brought it to me in the hospital. When the door opened, Shepard was at it. She was wearing a dress, the leather hugging her curves. I gawked at her for a moment, and she gave me a confused look.

“Kaidan? I thought you were working on something,” She stated, tilting her head.

“I finished early, and I couldn’t sleep down in that bed. It’s not the same,” I replied, stepping into her cabin and heading to the couch.

“Hey, I need to work too-“

“Just a little drink, Penelope. And then I’ll go,” I turned around with a grin.

I could see the relieved smile spread across her face and I was glad I decided to come. I set down the glasses and began to pour some whiskey in them. Shepard joined me, her hand gently taking a hold of mine and interlocking our fingers.

“You know you’ve done everything you can, right Shepard?” I questioned, glancing at her face. She looked extremely worn-out. Maybe she had tried to sleep earlier, but another nightmare had her awake and doing more work before the battle. Her curly red hair was sticking up in some spots, and her eyes had bags under them.

“I hope so. I keep looking over the numbers to see if I’ve missed something. It’s been keeping me up, just thinking about it,” She admitted, looking down at the data pad in her grasp.

“You don’t have to take this all on yourself. Look to your talented crew, the people fighting by your side. And you always know you can talk to me too, no matter what,” I brought her hand up to my lips and placed a lingering kiss on the back of her hand.

She took her hand from mine and grabbed the glass of whiskey on the coffee table. Penelope went and sat down on the couch, slouching over with a long sigh.

“What you’ve accomplished since the reapers arrived…well it’s nothing short of amazing,” I kept speaking, to fill the silence, to help her see. That everything was going to be okay. “It’s…it’s gonna be what it is.”

Shepard scoffed and downed her drink, setting the glass on the table and looking over at me silently. 

“What are you thinking about right now, love?”

I raised my eyebrows at her question and shifted in my seat. “Well, the good times and the hard times. It’s been an unforgettable few years.”

“Do you remember…. the night before Ilos,” She asked me, her eyes twinkling.

“Of course, that night meant everything to me. It’s when I truly knew that I loved you, Shepard. And if I recall, I was…pretty spectacular.”

She let out a laugh, “Mhm, sure.”

After a few short moments, she leaned forward slightly. It seemed her mood had changed a bit with me around. She seemed a bit lighter, the spark was back in her eyes. Even if it was just for a moment. I couldn’t bear to see her like she was before, it just hurt. She was holding the world in her hands, and though I wished she didn’t bear the burden alone, I was so proud.

“So…” She started, bringing me out of my thoughts, “how’s this sort of distraction going to win us the war?”

I leaned forward as well, smirking, “I’m not a distraction! I’m here to help you relax. Relaxing will help you focus,” I reached forward to cup her cheek, and she stared at me with half-lidded eyes.

Our lips met almost instinctively, and I could taste the whiskey on her tongue. She still had on her black lipstick, and I could feel it sticking to my mouth. But I didn’t care, I loved her lips, I loved her. I wanted everything.

“Ok, I lied. I didn’t come here for a quick drink,” I murmured after we pulled apart, using my fingers to fiddle with the cloth of her dress.

She moved towards me, chuckling at my joke. She straddled my lap, pushing me back until I was laying back against the couch. Shepard leaned down and pressed another passionate kiss to my lips. Her teeth nibbled at my bottom lip, her hands going to my hair and combing her fingers through it. I reached up and wrapped my arms around her, my hands rubbing down her back and to her ass.

Once she pulled back, out of breath, she rubbed my cheek with her palm.

“You mean so much to me, Kaidan. Thank you for being there for me…. through everything. I love you,” She whispered.

“I’ve always loved you. Through all these years, through everything. I’m the luckiest man alive,” I responded, my voice husky.

She let out a content sigh and began to get off me, but I quickly grabbed her wrist, pulling her back slightly.

“Hey, hey. Where are you going?” I complained, pressing her hand to my heart.

She let out a small laugh, before nodding. “Alright, love. Have it your way.”

That night was better than Ilos, better than the nights we spent together during this war. This felt like it was the last night we had together. Which maybe it was, but I didn’t think about it. The next couple days were a blur. And before long, we were in London.  
Getting to the Citadel was going to be a job within itself. We had to fight our way through waves of husks and more. The only way up was through a teleport beam, and it was crawling with every baddie imaginable. It was a hard battle. 

I always thought that if I went down, it would be because of the reapers. Funny enough, it was a truck that took me down instead. The world was dark for a moment, the only light the beam. But suddenly the world exploded around me and I blacked out for a few moments.

“Kaidan! Wake up, oh god. Garrus, help me!” I could hear Shepard screaming out, her voice laced with terror. When I came too, both her and a bloody Garrus were looking down at me.

Shepard quickly got me to my feet, leaning my body weight against her as she got us to cover.

“Joker, I need an evac, right now!” She yelled into her comms. She looked me over, noticing the blood blooming through my armor.

“C’mon, we have to go!” She said, helping me back up and leading towards where the Normandy was landing. Garrus followed behind, limping heavily. My head was spinning, a migraine making its way through my brain. I couldn’t see straight and felt lightheaded. My feet were barely moving, the only thing in my vision was Shepard next to me.

As we got to the Normandy, Shepard loosened her grip on me.

“Here, take him!” She called to Garrus, who quickly turned around and looped his arm under mine, hoisting me up into the Normandy.

“Shepard!” I said, my eyes widening as I took her in. She looked so determined, so beautiful. I knew what she was thinking, and it made me angry that she would even think about it.

“You gotta get out of here!” She said, staring into my eyes.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen!” I retorted, my vision clearing a bit.

“Don’t you argue with me! I can’t lose you, Kaidan. Please,” She whispered out the last part.

Tears blurred my eyes and I stared at her, pleading, “Don’t leave me behind.”

She walked towards me, hand outstretched. She cupped my bloody cheek, and I leaned into it. “No matter what happens, know that I love you. I love you so much Kaidan Alenko.” She pressed a small kiss to my lips.

“I love you too…” I murmured, watching her back up. I quickly extended my hand, wanting her to stay. Just come back with me, don’t go out there again. Don’t leave me. Please. I love you.

“Be careful,” I told her, tears squeezing out of my eyes. She turned to look at the beam, before back at me.

“Go now!” She yelled, before she jogged down the hill towards her doom. I retracted my hand and let Garrus pull me further into the ship.

“She’s going to be fine,” Garrus mumbled, but he didn’t sound very reassured himself. That was the last thing I heard before I blacked out from my blood loss.

I was in a coma for four days after that, staying in the medical bay on the Normandy. During that time, apparently the ship crashed on a lush planet. I didn’t see much of it. Shepard destroyed the reapers, just like we all knew she would. The first thing I did when I could move was ask about her. Joker looked uncomfortable when I mentioned it, Liara and Garrus wouldn’t look in my eyes.

“They haven’t…found her body yet. Comms are a bit fuzzy, but nothings come up yet,” Joker told me.

I clenched my fist, “We need to get back to Earth, immediately.”

“Trust me, none of us want to be stuck here, but it will be a couple days before we can leave.”

Once the Normandy was up and running, we had a lot more work ahead of us. Without mass relays, navigation was done by hand. Edi was no longer with us, so it was a bit harder to do everything. Joker was mopey all the time, and I worked hard to keep my mind off everything. It took a month to get back to Earth, and what I saw took my breath away. The Citadel was still in orbit, and what was left still seemed to be working. Small chunks were orbiting around it, pieces that exploded off. The Crucible was still docked on it. I wondered if people were now living on it again.

I couldn’t bear looking at Earth, everything just came crashing around me. I was terrified. I wanted to believe Shepard lived, she wouldn’t sacrifice herself. But I knew I was lying to myself, I knew that she would most certainly sacrifice herself for this. So many species could live without fear of reapers ever again. It had me pressing my hand to my mouth to hold in the sob threatening to overflow.

“Don’t worry, Kaidan. I know the Commander. She wouldn’t die knowing that her crew was waiting for her. Knowing that you were waiting,” Joker told me when he saw my expression.

I nodded slowly, but I had a hard time believing him. When we landed in London, Hackett was waiting for us. He looked relieved to see us, but quite grim. I knew he had some kind of bad news, but I really don’t think I could bear to hear it. 

“I know you all came here hoping for good news. Though the Citadel has been worked on and a lot of the debris around it removed, we still have not found Shepard. We don’t know if she’s still alive or not. But we are working tirelessly to find out,” He informed the crew, hands behind his back.

“And Anderson?” Joker questioned, tilting his head.

“We found him in the main chamber, where Shepard should have been. He was dead when we found him,” Hackett stated, his voice sad.

“I know it isn’t ideal to be on Earth right now. A lot has been destroyed and it is hard to communicate with other species outside here. But if any of you can spare yourselves, there’s a lot that needs to be done. I know all of you, being Shepard’s crew, can perform many tasks. So, if you would follow me,” He gestured towards London, stepping off the chunk of debris he was standing on.

We were given room and board while all of us worked tirelessly to get communications working better, and to use the Normandy to move more chunks of the Citadel away from itself so we could get inside. I kept to myself mostly, diving into my work. I would come back to my room bone tired and my whole-body aching. But at least it stopped me from thinking about her. And when I did think about her, I couldn’t control myself. Sometimes I got angry, punching the wall. Other times I was just devastated, crying myself to sleep. But my nightmares were relentless. I would wake up in a cold sweat, a migraine pounding in my head.

Hope was all I could cling too, all I had left. Hope that Shepard was alive, even after all this time. That she somehow survived the explosion, the two months in the falling apart Citadel. Each day it became more and more hopeless though, because it became farther and farther away from her estimated time of survival. There was only a certain amount of time someone could survive in space like that.

Today, as I brushed my teeth and prepared to go help Liara with moving debris with our biotics, there was a hurried knock at my door. I slowly made my way over and opened it. Garrus was there, he was out of breath. I raised my eyebrows and took my toothbrush out of my mouth.

“What’s wrong?”

His mandibles moved a bit and he gave me a wide-eyed look, “They found her.”

Shocked, I dropped my tooth brush, swallowing hard. I didn’t know what to say first, but I knew what I dreaded most. “And? Is she…”

“She’s alive, Kaidan. They found her alive,” He exclaimed, reaching over to rub my shoulder.

Without realizing it, tears began to trail down my face and I wiped at them furiously. I felt so relieved, so elated at that moment that I thought I would pass out.

“Where did they take her? Can I see her right now?” I quickly questioned, going over to my sink to finish brushing my teeth. If I could see her right now, I was going to go to her no matter what. 

“Well…. they took her to the only standing hospital left. Many good doctors are there to take care of her. She was in critical condition when they found her. She was stuck under a big piece of debris. When I asked if we could see her yet, they told me no. Because they have yet to assess the damage. So, we must wait a couple days,” He explained softly.

My shoulders drooped, and I clenched my fists, shaking my head. I know I could wait a couple days, but I wanted to see her so bad it hurt. I had to know she was okay, to feel her again. “I understand,” I replied tightly, going over to sit on my bed.  
“At least she’s alive Kaidan. That was my wish. We waited two months for her, I’m sure two days won’t hurt.”

The two days most certainly hurt, every waking moment I had I was thinking about her. What could have possibly happened to her. I was worried that she wouldn’t be the same when I saw her. Maybe she lost her memories, or worse. What if she was brain dead? Could I pull the plug on her like that? Dark thoughts hindered me from working as hard, and Liara sent me back early both days.

When the day finally came, the whole crew was ready to go see Shepard. So, I, Garrus, Joker, Liara, Tali, and James piled into a shuttle and headed to the hospital. The ride was tense, everyone afraid just like me. We weren’t sure what Shepard would be like when we got there, the hospital staff wouldn’t tell us her diagnosis until we got there. Steve happily drove us there but decided to stay with the shuttle.

The hospital was make-shift, though it was in what used to be a hospital. There were many doctors of different species around, taking care of wounded. I passed many patients out in the lobby, and I hoped I wouldn’t see Shepard on the floor somewhere.  
“We’re here to see Penelope Shepard,” Liara told the lady at the make shift front desk. She put down her magazine and nodded.

“We have a special room for her, but only one of you at a time. I’ll have the doctor lead back the first person,” She eyed us, waiting for us to pick who would go first.

Two hands shoved me forward, and I whipped around to stare at the crew. Liara and Garrus smiled at me encouragingly.

“She would want to see you first,” Liara said, bumping shoulders with Garrus, who nodded as well.

A Salarian doctor walked up to me, nodding. “Come with me, I’ll explain what’s happened to her on the way.”

As we walked over to the stairs, he turned back to me with a grim expression.

“Shepard’s in stable condition now, Major. When she was found, it wasn’t looking very good. Luckily, with what we had, we were able to make sure she came out alright. Her right leg was broken when a piece of debris landed on it. It kept her stuck there for quite a while. Pieces of her armor pierced her skin around her ribs during the blast and punctured a hole in her lungs. She’s very lucky that her lung didn’t fill up with blood. I suspect that’s because of the robotics installed in her. If she stayed out there much longer, her body would have given out. She also got a concussion from hitting her head against something. She…unfortunately is in a coma, and has been the last few weeks-“

“Wait, weeks? I thought she was just brought in a couple days ago?”

“Well Major, I don’t know who told you that, but we found her a month ago. We were under strict orders to keep it under lock and key until we knew she was going to survive or not,” We reached a door and the Salarian motioned to the door.  
“We’re hoping that listening to her crew speak to her will wake her up from her coma. You have as much time as you want,” He moved away from the door.

Anger boiled in me, and I glared at the doctor until he rounded a corner. How could they not tell us about Shepard? I thought that she was dead, that she wasn’t coming back to me. I clenched the door knob, staring at it hard. Why couldn’t I open the door? I squeezed my eyes shut, so scared at what my love might look like. But I swung open the door anyways, stepping inside with my eyes still closed.

When I slowly opened them, the first thing I noticed was the wall of windows across from me, showing off a beautiful view of London, even if it didn’t look as it once did. My eyes wandered over the room until they landed on the hospital bed. A heart monitor beeped, letting me know that yes, she was alive. When my eyes slid over her form, I couldn’t help but let out a relieved smile. She was here, her heart was beating. This was Penelope. 

My brown eyes finally got to her face and it took my breath away. I hadn’t seen her for a couple months, but she looked as beautiful as ever. I felt a pang of pain in my chest when I realized she looked like she was sleeping peacefully. But I knew she was in a coma. It was evident by the oxygen tubes in her nose, the IV in her arm. I shuffled closer, wanting a better look at her.

I always wanted to see her hair long, she showed me a picture of her when she still lived on Mindoir. Her hair was down to her shoulders, it was bright red and looked so soft in the picture. But now…I felt bitter bile rise in my throat as I gently reached over and touched a ringlet of her curly hair. She didn’t like her hair long, it got in the way. And now it was down to her jaw. This was not how I wanted to see her hair long.

She wasn’t wearing any make-up, her lips seemed odd not having her famous black lipstick on. I pulled up a chair and sat down next to her bed. She was wearing a hospital nightgown, and her lower body was covered by a thin blanket. Her bed was in a slight sitting position, so I could see her face. I tentatively reached out, scared she might disappear. I clasped her hand in mine, feeling the soft skin. Her hand seemed so small now, so fragile. She once calloused skin was a bit softer now, probably because she hadn’t used a gun for a couple months. I sat and stared at her for a while, speechless. I just couldn’t believe she was here, she was alive. I wanted to watch her like this forever, though I also wanted to see her awake and walking around and touching me. 

“Shepard, I….” I uttered those words, before I bowed my head to kiss her knuckles. Finding words was so hard, I wasn’t sure what I could say. I ached to have her speak to me, but I knew she couldn’t. Not yet. But I knew she was strong enough to wake up from this coma. This was Shepard, the woman I loved. There was no way she was going to defeat the reapers and then just let a coma defeat her. No way.

“You have to wake up, baby. I know things have been hard and I couldn’t be there for you. But I’m here now and I just want to see your smiling face again. The rest of your crew is waiting out there, so excited to see you. I thought it was dream when they told me they found you alive. But you’re here, you’re real. I should be mad you tried to die on me again, but I just-“ I choked on my words, “I missed you…so much. And I love you so much. So…just come back to me. Please.” I stood up, having said what I could. I didn’t want to stick around too long. Seeing her like this made me feel a bit despondent. I leaned over her and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise. I will make sure you wake up, and I will be the first person you see.”

I visited her every day, for the next two weeks. Nothing seemed to be changing. A lot of us tried to go in together, hoping she would hear us and just wake up. But it felt hopeless. She laid unmoving every single day, not even a twitch in the face. She looked peaceful, so peaceful. It was almost relieving to see. She was so broken before, but she always put on a brave face. Not many saw her when she was stressed, she always kept to herself. I considered myself lucky to know all her sides. Though Garrus did admit to me that he saw her cry and comforted her after I rejected her offer on Horizon. That was like a punch in the gut, and I felt my guilt all over again for that.

“Good morning, Shepard. I brought you flowers,” I knocked on the door before I came in, smiling as I entered. She was in the same position, her heart monitor beeping steadily. I went to her side, pressing a kiss to her forehead. I set the vase of flowers on the bed side table and sat down. It had been three weeks since I first saw her. Nothing was working, and it was so frustrating. I hated it, and I hated myself. 

“I know that your favorite flowers are pink roses, and someone had planted some outside. So, I just clipped a few. Got some cuts, but it was worth it,” just to see you smile. I refrained from saying that, knowing she couldn’t.

“When you wake up, I was hoping we could leave London for a while. This place has too many bad memories, I want to come back when everything is a bit more restored. Right now, it just reminds me of what could have been. I was thinking maybe Hawaii or the Bahamas. I know you love beaches, and though I prefer going to Canada to see my parents. I would make them wait just to go on vacation with you. You know my mom wants to meet you so badly. She thinks I should propose to you, even though she hasn’t even met you yet. It’s funny, I honestly didn’t think I’d get to see my parents again. I can’t wait for you to see the lodge. It’s so beautiful after it snows…” I trailed off, taking her hand in mine.

I pressed a kiss to each of her knuckles, staring at her face. “Please Penelope. Please wake up, wake up for me. I need you here, right now. I don’t think I can stand looking at you like this much longer. I hate not seeing your smile,” I whispered, pressing my forehead to her limp hand.

I stood up slowly, watching her closely. Nothing. She hasn’t moved at all. A desperate laugh bubbled up in my chest. I leaned over her and kissed her lips softly, lingering against them. They were so soft, even if they were a bit chapped. I was about to pull away, when I felt something on my back. It slid up past my shoulder blades and tangled into my hair. I opened my eyes wide and stared down at Shepard in a panic. Her icy blue eyes were opening, and she was staring back at me. 

I wanted to cry, I wanted to kiss her until she couldn’t breathe anymore. But I had to be gentle, she hadn’t moved much in the past two months. So, I gently pressed a couple more kisses to her lips, then slowly removed her hand from my hair, pulling back.

“Penelope,” I whispered, my hand reaching out to cup her face. She leaned into my touch, smiling weakly at me.

“Kaidan, you came for me,” She murmured, her voice coarse.

“Yes, of course I came for you. I would never leave you alone, not ever again. I’m so glad you came back to me, so glad,” I told her, tears blurring my vision.

I pushed the button to call the doctor in, knowing they will want to check on her. I kept stroking her face, my eyes not leaving her until the doctor came in.

“You did it, you woke her up Major,” the Salarian exclaimed happily, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

The months after that were a bit rough, because Shepard had to go through rigorous physical and mental therapy to get her back in shape. She could barely move herself when she woke up, her muscles weren’t as strong. Her leg was also broken, which meant it was even harder for her. She also could barely do much with her consciousness either, in the beginning she could only follow simple commands and answer yes and no to questions. But slowly, surely, she was going back to the Shepard I knew. 

I stayed with her through all of it, urging and encouraging her to do her best. She stayed at the hospital for five months, getting the best medical attention. After that, they discharged her to my care. She had some exercises to do, but other than that, she was the same old Shepard.

I kissed the scar on her leg, slowly moving up past her leg to her stomach and then her neck, and finally, her lips. The familiar feeling of her black lipstick met my mouth.

“I just put on my lipstick, Kaidan,” She complained when I pulled back. It was now smeared, and I chuckled.

“Sorry, I can’t help it. I just haven’t been able to kiss you as much as I like,” I whispered, wiping my lips on my sleeve.

“I suppose you’re ready to go then?” She said with an amused tone, shoving her hands in her N7 sweatshirt pockets.

“Well you’re the one still sitting around,” I teased, standing up and taking extending my hand.

She took my hand and hauled herself up, slinging her duffel bag over her shoulder. With a big grin, we both looked out the window at London. Things looked a lot better, but it was still a long way off. We were stuck on Earth for a while longer. At least until one Mass Relay was fixed. But I didn’t mind. I think I had enough of space for a while.

“My mom is going to love you. She used to have red hair, so she’ll probably complement you on it,” I told Shepard, pressing a kiss to her temple as we left my room.

“I want some of this Canadian lager you’ve been bragging about when we get there,” she joked, leaning into me.

“I think that can be arranged,” I replied, grinning down at her.

We have been through so much together, and I knew from the first time I met her that I was in love. I’m not afraid to admit it anymore. Shepard is the love of my life, and I cherish that I get to spend every day with her now. There is no war, no reapers. It was over, and Penelope was here. She wasn’t going to leave me behind ever again.

Except maybe if I walk to slow to the shuttle.

“Hurry up, you slow poke!” Shepard called ahead of me, bouncing on her heels.

I chuckled and followed her.

**Author's Note:**

> I know I didn't include everything in this, I just described what Kaidan would find important during his time with Shepard, what affected him the most. I also didn't include the plaque scene, because I think Kaidan wouldn't do that. He would want to think she is alive, even if all odds are against her. And I know we didn't solve why no one was told Shepard was alive earlier, but Kaidan was just so shocked and delighted to see Penelope he just kind of forgot. Guess we'll never know why ;)
> 
> I'm not sure if this will turn into multiple chapters. If people like this, I might do Shepard meeting his parents.


End file.
